waiting for the worms.

I don’t write nearly as much as I should, granted I don’t have time like I used to.

Aren’t I too young for my life to revolve around my jobs instead of my education and my youth? Perhaps that’s why I have no desire to grow old; I’m getting all of this done much too fast. School is just something that passes the free time I don’t know what to do with and my youth is just some Never Land I can hardly remember. (Was it real? Or am I imagining it? I most certainly must have made it up in my head.) I know this to be true for one reason and that reason is last week.

Last week I had a break in between terms at school. Pretty much everyone I interact with on campus disappeared for the week (and rightfully so! What good is a vacation if you don’t do something a little out of the ordinary?). I was left with myself and both of my jobs. I slept in my room, alone. I didn’t hear my own voice until I was taking an order at work or teaching a child what a short vowel was. I came home, feet aching and all, only to lie down in my bed and read or doze off until my alarm went off again. When I wasn’t working I was doing things I felt I should be doing, like cleaning and grocery shopping and planning for the next day of work. And you know what? I fell into such a quiet, lonely routine that I felt as though perhaps that was the kind of life I was doomed to live (and I am so very terrified at spending the rest of my life working at a coffee shop in the morning and tutoring by night. That is most certainly not what I want out of life.) And then I started to worry about what I’m doing with my life right now. I came to the conclusion that this school business is just too drawn out and boring for me. I really don’t give a shit about the grades I’m getting (or not getting. My parents would definitely disagree with the bullshit numbers that represent my intelligence.) I go to classes I’m genuinely interested in and when they grow boring…well, when they grow boring you can be sure my attendance reaches what grade-school teachers would call “unsatisfactory”.

I know that quitting school is not really an option. I do not want to be catapulted into the real world and I would definitely put an end to a life of work very quickly if that’s what I was left with. What I want instead is to live and go places and see things and write about it. I feel like I’m wasting my time working toward a degree that will hardly validate me as a writer. I already know the kind of life I’m setting myself up for by taking out loans to go to college for something that I know I can do (not to mention there is hardly any room for growth as a writer when I’m stuck in this monotonous cycle of work, school, work, stare at the wall, work, school, work, rinse, wash, repeat). I haven’t had any sort of experience worth writing about in so long that I simply feel like I’m standing still while the world spins around me, blurry and impossible to understand.

I really just want to say “fuck it”, close my eyes and dive head first into the blur.