i haven't been writing much of anything lately.

come to think of it, i haven't been doing much of anything lately. still, i want to do less. i want to lie on the beach and sleep in the woods and sit on a rock in the mountains and float in a river.

pretty much, i don't want to work. but what else is new, right?

anyway, i've been having a lot of dreams about spiders lately. i mean, it's weird enough that i'm dreaming again but now it's all about spiders. i had a dream last night that there was a spider on me- a rather scary but still intriguing spider- and it was STUCK to me. it wouldn't come off. there was a bunch of random people in the dream who would attempt to get the spider off but it wouldn't come off.

i woke up very freaked out.

i really don't like how much i've been sleeping lately.

I need to buy more canvases. I've been painting a lot lately.

I also need to buy a new radiator for my car because I was in a hurry to leave the doctor's office and hit a curb.

I cracked my radiator.

It's funny.

Go Away.

You used to know me when I was a little girl-
I was a little girl and you always left me waiting.
You always left me waiting inside the house-
waiting inside the house for your call-
your call that hardly ever came.
It hardly ever came, but when it did?
When it did it was always a new excuse-
a new excuse that left me crying-
crying in the company of my mother.
My mother, whose hand would run up and down-
up and down my back trying to calm me down-
calm me down in the midst of the panic-
the panic that would follow me-
follow me right into my young adulthood.

My young adulthood introduced me to so much-
so much I didn’t understand-
I didn’t understand why I wasn’t sleeping.
I wasn’t sleeping because I was losing my mind.
I was losing my mind so very fast-
so very fast like my racing thoughts.
My racing thoughts quieted for a few weeks-
for a few weeks I was sleeping.
I was sleeping and it was all okay-
it was all okay until I saw you.
I saw you and everything came back-
everything came back so suddenly-
suddenly I was a little girl again.
I was a little girl again but I was angry-
I was angry and I was uncomfortable.
I was uncomfortable with the way you looked at me-
you looked at me like you knew me.
But you knew me when I was waiting-
waiting inside the house for your call-
your call that hardly ever came.

It hardly ever came and I chose to cut you out-
cut you out because I knew what I needed.
I needed you to go away.
Go away.

A New Way to Say Hooray

I can't sleep.

I did have a few brain blasts though!
I suddenly had three ideas for three different journals. One of them is for purely inebriated writing only. The next is just a running monologue and the third is going to be tricky to fill up. It also will make some people feel a little...naked, in a sense.

Anyway, I'm sure the night is bound to bring more genius ideas! The night before last I came up with a new idea for the book I have been writing. I like it and I'm excited I just need to find a little bit of focus in all this madness so I can sit and write it already.

...new subject. I can't stick with one for long.

I'm determined to get out of the Inland Empire as much as possible this summer. I've already gone to Las Vegas and I believe I am going to Laughlin in a few weeks but that's not enough. I really would like to go to Disneyland and San Francisco and Havasu and any beach along this disgusting coast that I can. It would be really awesome to get away from the west coast too, but I don't know that money will allow for that.

Money is such a buzz kill.

Okay. I don't think I should continue posting on this thing. I could end up writing about everything right now. Like the way leather seats feel when it's really cold because that is the kind of nonsense I am thinking about right now. Perhaps I will go edit the poem I wrote the other day and post it on here later.

Till next time!

I painted this rather shitty self portrait the other day, but I am very proud of the hair.




Anyway, since I'm still on an escalator to the clouds, I'm going to let my less than responsible side take over and do ridiculous things for a while.

It's better than spending all my money or quitting my jobs.